Monday, April 4, 2011

A few days away, going nowhere, and, actually, diving into it all..

This past weekend was really great. It seemed like a microcosm of what our life is really like. Or, rather, what we like our life to be like. It's been awhile since we've been able to really live it all out - usually our days are: wake up, coffee, farm/greenhouse, scramble to get stuff done, kiss cheeks, have Luke rush me to work, Luke farming/working until I call him after 10pm, saying, 'hi, can you come get me?' and then spend the last few minutes before bed reading/talking/crying/drinking an old fashioned.

We both took off of our non-farming jobs this weekend to participate in wedding festivities, of which my husband had certain groomsmen duties.  That meant we enjoyed a great rehearsal dinner at a fancy-shmancy place downtown and two fun nights thereafter, with plenty of celebratory food and drink to fill our bellies, great reminders of our duties as husband/wife, and praise to God, the Father, for his Gospel.  This is the thing you must know about us: we love good food and drink. We especially love when said food and drink are FREE. It's like the best, most special gift we can think of (but, that just goes to show you how unimaginative we are).

More than anything, it was great to be together. We farmed a bit, Luke planted peas while I washed 10 dozen eggs in the sunshine. I did some cleaning in the house and crying in the bedroom.  My husband has been amazing during this time of mourning and grief. He has held me, listened to me, corrected me, encouraged me, and pointed me to my Heavenly Father, my Anchor. He's reminded me of stories about my dad, lamented my regrets with me, and has never said, "It's going to be alright".  He has always said, "Come, Lord, Jesus" in some form that says in chorus with my heart, "This is not the way it's supposed to be." It will only be alright when Jesus comes, and not a moment before.

All that said, I realized I had not cried by myself in awhile - just letting the tears come without punctuation or words. It's not the way I want to live my life forever, but it is the way my life is right now. And I know it is a luxury to be able to stop. and. cry. To mourn with simplicity.

One thing the Holy Spirit reminded me of  early in this process is that God is good. And because of that, he is leading me through this time of mourning. My Father knew before I did that my dad was going to take his own life. He knew the heartache I and my family were about to endure.  And He led us all into it. I have nothing but his path before me. I trust He is leading. And that His leadership is good. How can I know these things? You might ask. That is faith, friends. There are certain truths and certainties that come with having faith and they can neither be explained nor given evidence unless you daily endeavor to know who God is. My lack of explanation isn't a tool for de-bunking Christianity, it is an affirmation of the tension we live in as Christians: God is mysterious - cannot be completely understood - and yet He has given us the ability to know Him and understand His ways through His Word, His Holy Spirit, and His Creation.
Here is a rudimentary example to explain what I mean: Before working a lengthy Algebra problem for the first time, one can't cite a line from the middle of the solution until you work it - step by step. You may even know the answer (x=2, for example). But how do you arrive there? How many steps does it take? Faith is the same. Know there is an answer at the end,  follow Christ to the Father and know He will give you everything you need along the way, guarding your heart and mind to trust Him.

Last night, after a day of church and a lunch picnic with the family, we had friends over on our back porch, sitting under twinkly lights and eating yummy food and drinking yummy wine. We laughed and felt the breeze chill our shoulders as afternoon gave way to evening. We told stories about vomiting and crying. The fellas danced in the living room in the dark - doing strange pirouettes to Bonnie Prince Billy. I think we all went to our beds feeling like we had done a great thing to take advantage of such a nice evening and fellowship.

Luke and I awoke at 3-something this morning, our open eyes silently meeting each other. My head was filled with thoughts, and Luke's head met mine with strangely, equally well-formed responses. I went downstairs for a glass of water and realized that our dog was so sick. We spent the next hour cleaning up her mess and her, then sitting bleary-eyed on the couch at 5am, talking about our marriage. I guess, sometimes, when you're that tired, things become more clear.  Because we were finally able to get to the heart of some issues that had been troubling us for some time. We finally went back to sleep and woke later to realize the day had started without us.

Now here we are, another storm front moving through. Damaging winds and cold promised.  Let's see what happens.

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